Depression

For me depression is facing someone in a conversation and listening to my shadow scream at me and insult me. Wanting to interact but feeling trapped in a glass box of my own making so far from everyone else yet right next to them listening to them talk. Their words hurt like small poking needles over and over again. Trying to make a conversation or adding to one is like being on an escalator that's set on reverse and gets quicker and quicker until I stop. So does it and everything is calm for just a split second before my shadow pops up again and baggers me with nonsense. I never truly cared for what people said about me, how could I they don't know me, with my shadow the same words are haunting. It has reasons and fills the holes a random person just couldn't do. Like having a magical speaker box that follows me around for only my ears hating me. A constantly, continuously, unending hatred from my own point of view one that spares nothing harm. A point of view that leads everything to death.
So with my weapon in hand, I'll etch it into a page of memory and be free from the shadow. My worst friend, and best enemy it's time for us to part. You have no where to go and most days I can carry you, but the days, weeks, months even when you drag me. Must end. I understand you'll be with me forever but unlike any person I've met, you are impossible to reason with. You accept every answer but never change your tune. Why play a requiem when we could play a grander melody? Something fun, something meaningful, something maybe even a little sad.
Feeling like I have a hole that grows and grows until I'm literally hollow is what I fear the most. As a kid the dark never bothered me. Growing up I found one thing that truly frightened me. It was you, an idea, a mental disorder/illness, a split in my subconscious, the shadow that lives off me. I have one safe place that being my mind. The only place you call home, is the only place I enjoy most the time. Until you enter, you make the best things the worst things the bad things into aweful, horrifying things. And your solution to my pain the pain you so delightfully cause, is death. Taunting me begging me to find out if a world exists after plaguing my curiosity with thoughts that make my head spin so much I lash out at others just to calm down because I can't take listening to you! You have forced yourself between me and the world and as soon as I get angry or sad you stand behind me laughing and let my emotion spill into the world around me and as soon as I'm done your back in my face screaming once again. I've never gone to sleep and had a nightmare, how could I when I wake up to my nightmare every day. Sleep, dreaming is the only time I get peace from you. I have never enjoyed silence more than I do now, but there's never a silent moment for me. To me true depression isn't a momentary sadness. It's an all consuming one like you walked into quick sand and all efforts to fight it make you sink faster, until you find a way to cope and fall slowly or struggle more and fall instantly.